Style Conversational Week 1223: Iamb tal-KING like THIS from ‘lik the bred’! Add to list On my list The Style Invitational Empress discusses this week’s contest and results Elliott Shevin’s runner-up, illuminated by Valerie Holt, who suggested this contest (and is the offspring of the Empress and the Royal Consort). (Design by Valerie Holt /For Ye Washingtonne Poste) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // April 13, 2017 welle, welle, welle, we might just have a new recurring Style Invitational genre here for our Loserbards: our slight variation in Week 1219 of the faux-Chaucerian “i lik the bred” and other poems by Poem for Your Sprog, aka Sam Garland, on Reddit. Four weeks ago, upon announcing this contest (typically focusing it on people in the news), I expanded the parameters of the Sproggian form: I allowed four lines of four iambs (ba-DAH) as well as his eight lines of two, and — fearing that the affected spelling 20 times over might become tedious to read — allowed modern English along with the fake-olde. That certainly helped me read the some 1,000 entries, and I didn’t mind at all that some entrants sent their poems in both spelling forms. And I found that some entries did work better in one form or the other: This week’s winner, for instance, might have been impenetrable in ye-olde-speak; but on the other hand, bitter lines like “I sell their lie” are leavened out of screediness by the cute spelling. And “I grab the poose” is both funnier and more printable than the contemptibly vulgar actual quote. Isn’t that a nice graphic up there by Imperial Scion No. 2 Valerie Holt, who suggested this contest? I’ll post it along with the plain ol’ daily “social cards” on the Style Invitational Ink of the Day page on Facebook. It’s just the second blot of ink for David Lewis, of Indianapolis, who sent in his poem about Neil Gorsuch (as well as another good entry) several times over, improving it in small ways each time. I’d rather see just the final perfection, but obviously I didn’t hold it against him. David got his one other Invite ink with a limerick in 2010, about Rush Limbaugh hiring Elton John to play at his wedding: As Rush Limbaugh’s fourth wedding drew near, In a liberal show of good cheer, He shelled out a million To rock crocodilian — A choice that his listeners thought queer. The Week 537 Style Invitational, from Dec. 19, 2003 -- the Empress's second contest. We reprise this contest this week, Week 1223. (Cartoon by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) I hadn’t talked to David until today, but the Loser Community did meet our First-Offending second-place winner, Graham King of Scotland, when he recently joined the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group (which is just about to admit Member 1,300). Graham heard about the Invite from Eratosphere, a British-based online forum for poets (whence came many of our other Loserbards as well). Graham is a veteran of various British literary humor contests (aka “comps”) and thought he’d try our lower-brow stateside version. Good plan there, Graham. (Graham also, just for the fun of it, wrote a delightful four-verse Lik the Bred about the genre itself; see the bottom of this column.) But it’s the 22nd blot for Brian Allgar, who’s ubiquitous in light-verse journals both here and abroad. For a British expat who lives in France, Brian is clearly up on the day-to-day of American political face-slappers, like the Trump budget’s plan to cut Meals on Wheels funding. And it’s the sixth ink for rookie Elliott Shevin since his debut in Week 1202. Brian and Elliott get their choice of the new “Gotta Play to Lose” Loser mug, one of the last “This is your brain on mugs” mugs, or the “I Got a B in Punmanship” Grossery Bag. *What Doug Dug: * Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood agreed with me on the first- and second-place choices, and also Jesse Frankovich’s “I spice the facts,” Maria Zimmerman’s Putin who doffs his shirt but “I wear the pants,” and Duncan Stevens’s and Scott Ableman’s entries about the Invite itself. *LOSER HISTORY TOUR: Gettysburg, April 23* Once again — and at a much more seasonable time of year than the past midsummers — Losers and Gettysburg residents Roger Dalrymple and Marty McCullen will host a Loser brunch followed by a tour of the Gettysburg battlefield and other historic sites. It starts at noon on Sunday, April 23, with lunch at the Appalachian Brewing Company pub, and then Roger, who’s an experienced and delightful tour guide, will take the Loser delegation around and point out the fascinating fictoids. I can’t make it this year, but I’ve gone several times and really recommend it, especially if you enjoy walking. Our usual brunch coordinator, Elden Carnahan, is in Europe right now, so it’s best to contact Roger directly at rogerandpam (at) comcast (dot) net if you’d like to come. *BOGUS ROYAL OFFERS TO SEND ICONIC AMERICAN STATUE ABROAD: This week’s contest* The examples should explain it all for Week 1223. We last did a contest for comically sensational headlines in December 2003, right after I started Empressing. Indeed, it was just my second contest when I started ripping off my predecessor’s oeuvre; Week 537 was a reprise of the Czar’s Week 152, in 1996. As I mention in this week’s introduction, it’s going to be important to sum up the actual story concisely, either by paraphrasing it or by quoting the headline. (Including a link to the story would help me out as well, but remember that print-paper readers won’t be able to see it.) As I look at the results of the two contests below, I think the explanatory lines work better in Week 537, probably because the Week 152 explainers went, unnecessarily, for consistency. From January 2004: *Report from Week 537,* in which we asked you to write irresponsibly sensationalistic headlines for actual Washington Post stories: *Third runner-up:* KNIFE-WIELDING MAN ON WEST BANK GOES AFTER TOURISTS! Real headline: “Struggle of Family Nativity Carving Business Reflects Bethlehem’s Woes” (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) *Second runner-up:* ANOTHER D.C. MAYOR SEEN LIGHTING UP! “At a ceremony last night, D.C. Mayor Anthony A. Williams switched on the newly restored, historic street lights” (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) First runner-up, the winner of the remote-control fart machine: MALVO WON’T DIE LIKE A MAN! Lee Boyd Malvo gets a life sentence; his youth is cited as a factor. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church, Va.) *And the winner of the Inker:* WASHINGTON INFERNO TERROR LINKED TO FRANCE! “French Fry Fire Damages Kitchen” (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) *Honorable Mentions:* J. LOPEZ’S IMPRESSIVE BOOTY FLASHED IN BALTO! “The Baltimore Orioles agreed to terms Sunday night with catcher Javy Lopez on a three-year contract believed to be worth $23 million” (Heather Abelson, New York; Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) MICHAEL JACKSON UNABLE EVEN TO DRESS SELF, EXPERT ATTESTS! Fashion columnist Robin Givhan laments Jackson’s courtroom attire. (Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.) DEATH TOLL HITS 152 AT AREA PARKS! Howard County sponsored a deer hunt. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.) LADY JUDGE IN THREE-WAY WITH D.A., LAWYER! “Judge Faces Three-Way Contest in St. Mary’s [County]” (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) FAVRE RETURNS FROM DEAD, THROWS 4 TD PASSES! Packers quarterback Brett Favre played the Monday after his father died. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls, Va.) WOMANIZING EX-PREZ FOUND GUILTY IN LAND DEAL! “Jefferson Convicted in Mock Trial on La. Purchase” (Danny Bravman, Potomac, Md.) SENATE LEADER ADMITS INVOLVEMENT IN MONKEY BUSINESS! Sen. Bill Frist, a physician, tells of performing surgery on an orangutan at the National Zoo. (Robin D. Grove, Chevy Chase, Md.) TIPSY VIRGIN EMPLOYEE PINCHED IN BUST! “Pilot Pulled From Dulles Flight Faces Charges Over Drinking” (Milo Sauer) PROMISING ‘A PARTY,’ ADULTS LURE YOUNG CHILDREN FROM HOMES! Kids were given free-admission buttons to the First Night Annapolis festival. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) BUSH TO ALIENS: COME ON DOWN! “Immigration Reform on Bush Agenda” (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) JETS INTERCEPTED NEAR NYC FIVE TIMES THIS WEEK! New England 21, New York 17 (Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.) COUPLE CHARGED $76 FOR FOOD AT McDONALD’S RESTAURANT! Story on Wall Street bonuses quoted Lever House restaurant owner John McDonald. (Russell Beland) GOVERNOR LINKED TO DRUG TRADE! Illinois’ Rod Blagojevich is seeking federal permission to import pharmaceuticals from Canada. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) VOYEURS FLOCK TO RED-LIGHT DISTRICT PEEP SHOW! Three landers are scheduled to visit Mars. (Bob Dalton, Arlington, Va.) ED BRADLEY TO GET IN BED WITH JACKO FOR “SPECIAL” EVENING! “CBS Gets Interview, Jackson Gets Special” (Jeff Brechlin; Beth Benson, Lanham, Md.) PENTAGON: U.S. TROOPS SHOULD BE SHOT! “General Defends Anthrax Shots for Troops” (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) WEALTHY MAN TREATED LIKE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT! The Orioles’ $22.5 million contract with Javy Lopez is contingent on his passing a physical. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) ZOMBIES FOUND IN BALTIMORE HOSPITAL! Johns Hopkins has cut back on medical residents’ 90-hour workweeks. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) CAPTIVES UNDER TORTURE BEG FOR LIFE! “Tormented Jurors Argued, Cried and Wavered” before agreeing on a life sentence for Malvo. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) 60 KILOTONS OVER PYONGYANG! “U.S. Sending 60,000 Tons of Food to N. Korea” (Elden Carnahan) EAGER TO SCORE, VA. TECH MEN DRIVE MILES TO GET SOME TROJANS! “Hokies to Face USC in ’04 Season Opener” (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) IV BRINGS DEAD ROYAL BACK TO LIFE! Several exciting new productions of Shakespeare’s “Henry IV” have been staged. (Bill Spencer) FAMILIES KILL CATS DURING XMAS FEAST! “Holiday Treats and Trimmings Can Be Deadly to Curious Pets” (Tom Madison, Alexandria, Va.) And Last: MD. MAN RUINS WIFE’S XMAS BY REVEALING ALL IN POST! “Earlier this month, Jay Ireland of Bethesda bought his wife a digital camera,” Dec. 21 (Jane Auerbach) And from 1996: *Report from Week 151, in *which we asked you to play tabloid journalist, submitting new, lurid headlines for real stories in that Sunday’s Post. *Fourth Runner-Up:* CLINTON LEAVES WIFE (Rodney and Joyce Small, Herndon) Story reported president’s departure from Washington with aides for a quick campaign appearance. *Third Runner-Up:* Texans Watch Killing, Do Nothing (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Story described an execution. *Second Runner-Up:* Californian Shoots 201 During 3-Day Spree in Buick, Continues to Elude Pursuers (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Sports story reported that golfer Lennie Clements held on to the lead after three days at the Buick Open. *First Runner-Up:* Baboon-Man Escapes! (John Kammer, Herndon; Bruce Johnson, Annapolis) Story reported that the recipient of an ape’s immune cells was feeling so good he had resumed an active lifestyle, even going boating. *And the Winner of the Tabloid Teasers board game:* College Men, Coeds Streak to 7-Eleven (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Story reported on consecutive victories by George Washington University’s men’s (seven games) and women’s (11 games) basketball teams. *Honorable Mentions:* Aliens Captured Alive Near Nation’s Capital! (Russell Beland, Springfield; Tommy Litz, Bowie) Story reported an Immigration and Naturalization Service raid at a Bethesda restaurant. 30,000 Wet T-Shirts! (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Story reported flooding in the Northwest. Populace to Submit to Sailors’ Base Desires (Jim Proctor, Bethesda; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Story reported the community’s uneasy acceptance of expanded Navy bases in Maryland. $400,000 Poured Into C&O Canal (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Story reported on the status of a donation drive to repair the canal. Machine Crushes Man Before Mate! (Phil John, Arlington) Story reported that Garry Kasparov conceded defeat in his first game against a computer. MA TAKES AX TO COMPOSER! (Fred Dawson, Beltsville, R. Gregory Capaldini, Arlington) Story reported that cellist Yo-Yo Ma had persuaded pianist Emanuel Ax to accompany him in a Schubert concert. Buchanan Strains for a Number 2 (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Story reported on the race for the second-place finish in Iowa. And last: Replace The Washington Post with The New York Post (Russell Beland, Springfield). *LAST LIKS: A Cow-rumination by Graham King* To wryte in verse, I ape the form That lik-bred Cow defyned as norm. Som pieces mayd, I doe affyrm; Yet som evayd. Insyde I squhyrm. Itte seemeth sympel form: not so! Som lynes fyt wel; som awrye goe. Itt gybes insyde: am I stille sayne? I’ve tryed and tryed. I racke myne brayne. ’Tis fun to sette one’s wyttes at play - But vexes mynde, at end of day: Ys ther ane more sich verse to wryte? Am I donne yet? I thynk: notte quhyte. And so and on I goe arownd, Myne tonge pokd forth and myne browe frownd. If I a verie goosecap seeme, ’Tis all Pat’s fault! I lyke this meme.