Style Conversational Week 1223: Iamb tal-KING like THIS from ‘lik the
bred’!
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The Style Invitational Empress discusses this week’s contest and results
Elliott Shevin’s runner-up, illuminated by Valerie Holt, who suggested
this contest (and is the offspring of the Empress and the Royal
Consort). (Design by Valerie Holt /For Ye Washingtonne Poste)
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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April 13, 2017
welle, welle, welle, we might just have a new recurring Style
Invitational genre here for our Loserbards: our slight variation in Week
1219
of
the faux-Chaucerian “i lik the bred”
and other poems by Poem
for Your Sprog, aka Sam Garland, on Reddit.
Four weeks ago, upon announcing this contest
(typically focusing it on people in the news),
I expanded the parameters of the Sproggian form: I allowed four lines of
four iambs (ba-DAH) as well as his eight lines of two, and — fearing
that the affected spelling 20 times over might become tedious to read —
allowed modern English along with the fake-olde. That certainly helped
me read the some 1,000 entries, and I didn’t mind at all that some
entrants sent their poems in both spelling forms.
And I found that some entries did work better in one form or the other:
This week’s winner, for instance, might have been impenetrable in
ye-olde-speak; but on the other hand, bitter lines like “I sell their
lie” are leavened out of screediness by the cute spelling. And “I grab
the poose” is both funnier and more printable than the contemptibly
vulgar actual quote.
Isn’t that a nice graphic up there by Imperial Scion No. 2 Valerie Holt,
who suggested this contest? I’ll post it along with the plain ol’ daily
“social cards” on the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
page on Facebook.
It’s just the second blot of ink for David Lewis, of Indianapolis, who
sent in his poem about Neil Gorsuch (as well as another good entry)
several times over, improving it in small ways each time. I’d rather see
just the final perfection, but obviously I didn’t hold it against him.
David got his one other Invite ink with a limerick in 2010, about Rush
Limbaugh hiring Elton John to play at his wedding:
As Rush Limbaugh’s fourth wedding drew near,
In a liberal show of good cheer,
He shelled out a million
To rock crocodilian —
A choice that his listeners thought queer.
The Week 537 Style Invitational, from Dec. 19, 2003 -- the Empress's
second contest. We reprise this contest this week, Week 1223. (Cartoon
by Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
I hadn’t talked to David until today, but the Loser Community did meet
our First-Offending second-place winner, Graham King of Scotland, when
he recently joined the Style Invitational Devotees
Facebook group (which is just about to admit
Member 1,300). Graham heard about the Invite from Eratosphere, a
British-based online forum for poets (whence came many of our other
Loserbards as well). Graham is a veteran of various British literary
humor contests (aka “comps”) and thought he’d try our lower-brow
stateside version. Good plan there, Graham. (Graham also, just for the
fun of it, wrote a delightful four-verse Lik the Bred about the genre
itself; see the bottom of this column.)
But it’s the 22nd blot for Brian Allgar, who’s ubiquitous in light-verse
journals both here and abroad. For a British expat who lives in France,
Brian is clearly up on the day-to-day of American political
face-slappers, like the Trump budget’s plan to cut Meals on Wheels
funding. And it’s the sixth ink for rookie Elliott Shevin since his
debut in Week 1202. Brian and Elliott get their choice of the new “Gotta
Play to Lose” Loser mug, one of the last “This is your brain on mugs”
mugs, or the “I Got a B in Punmanship” Grossery Bag.
*What Doug Dug: * Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood agreed with me on the
first- and second-place choices, and also Jesse Frankovich’s “I spice
the facts,” Maria Zimmerman’s Putin who doffs his shirt but “I wear the
pants,” and Duncan Stevens’s and Scott Ableman’s entries about the
Invite itself.
*LOSER HISTORY TOUR: Gettysburg, April 23*
Once again — and at a much more seasonable time of year than the past
midsummers — Losers and Gettysburg residents Roger Dalrymple and Marty
McCullen will host a Loser brunch followed by a tour of the Gettysburg
battlefield and other historic sites. It starts at noon on Sunday, April
23, with lunch at the Appalachian Brewing Company pub, and then Roger,
who’s an experienced and delightful tour guide, will take the Loser
delegation around and point out the fascinating fictoids. I can’t make
it this year, but I’ve gone several times and really recommend it,
especially if you enjoy walking. Our usual brunch coordinator, Elden
Carnahan, is in Europe right now, so it’s best to contact Roger directly
at rogerandpam (at) comcast (dot) net if you’d like to come.
*BOGUS ROYAL OFFERS TO SEND ICONIC AMERICAN STATUE ABROAD: This week’s
contest*
The examples should explain it all for Week 1223. We last did a contest
for comically sensational headlines in December 2003, right after I
started Empressing. Indeed, it was just my second contest when I started
ripping off my predecessor’s oeuvre; Week 537 was a reprise of the
Czar’s Week 152, in 1996.
As I mention in this week’s introduction, it’s going to be important to
sum up the actual story concisely, either by paraphrasing it or by
quoting the headline. (Including a link to the story would help me out
as well, but remember that print-paper readers won’t be able to see it.)
As I look at the results of the two contests below, I think the
explanatory lines work better in Week 537, probably because the Week 152
explainers went, unnecessarily, for consistency.
From January 2004: *Report from Week 537,* in which we asked you to
write irresponsibly sensationalistic headlines for actual Washington
Post stories:
*Third runner-up:* KNIFE-WIELDING MAN ON WEST BANK GOES AFTER TOURISTS!
Real headline: “Struggle of Family Nativity Carving Business Reflects
Bethlehem’s Woes” (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
*Second runner-up:* ANOTHER D.C. MAYOR SEEN LIGHTING UP!
“At a ceremony last night, D.C. Mayor Anthony A. Williams switched on
the newly restored, historic street lights” (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
First runner-up, the winner of the remote-control fart machine:
MALVO WON’T DIE LIKE A MAN!
Lee Boyd Malvo
gets a life
sentence; his youth is cited as a factor. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church, Va.)
*And the winner of the Inker:*
WASHINGTON INFERNO TERROR LINKED TO FRANCE!
“French Fry Fire Damages Kitchen” (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.)
*Honorable Mentions:*
J. LOPEZ’S IMPRESSIVE BOOTY FLASHED IN BALTO!
“The Baltimore Orioles agreed to terms Sunday night with catcher Javy
Lopez on a three-year contract believed to be worth $23 million”
(Heather Abelson, New York; Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
MICHAEL JACKSON UNABLE EVEN TO DRESS SELF, EXPERT ATTESTS!
Fashion columnist Robin Givhan laments Jackson’s courtroom attire.
(Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.)
DEATH TOLL HITS 152 AT AREA PARKS!
Howard County sponsored a deer hunt. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.)
LADY JUDGE IN THREE-WAY WITH D.A., LAWYER!
“Judge Faces Three-Way Contest in St. Mary’s [County]” (Chris Doyle,
Forsyth, Mo.)
FAVRE RETURNS FROM DEAD, THROWS 4 TD PASSES!
Packers quarterback Brett Favre played the Monday after his father died.
(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls, Va.)
WOMANIZING EX-PREZ FOUND GUILTY IN LAND DEAL!
“Jefferson Convicted in Mock Trial on La. Purchase” (Danny Bravman,
Potomac, Md.)
SENATE LEADER ADMITS INVOLVEMENT IN MONKEY BUSINESS!
Sen. Bill Frist, a physician, tells of performing surgery on an
orangutan at the National Zoo. (Robin D. Grove, Chevy Chase, Md.)
TIPSY VIRGIN EMPLOYEE PINCHED IN BUST!
“Pilot Pulled From Dulles Flight Faces Charges Over Drinking” (Milo Sauer)
PROMISING ‘A PARTY,’ ADULTS LURE YOUNG CHILDREN FROM HOMES!
Kids were given free-admission buttons to the First Night Annapolis
festival. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
BUSH TO ALIENS: COME ON DOWN!
“Immigration Reform on Bush Agenda” (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
JETS INTERCEPTED NEAR NYC FIVE TIMES THIS WEEK!
New England 21, New York 17 (Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.)
COUPLE CHARGED $76 FOR FOOD AT McDONALD’S RESTAURANT!
Story on Wall Street bonuses quoted Lever House restaurant owner John
McDonald. (Russell Beland)
GOVERNOR LINKED TO DRUG TRADE!
Illinois’ Rod Blagojevich is seeking federal permission to import
pharmaceuticals from Canada. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)
VOYEURS FLOCK TO RED-LIGHT DISTRICT PEEP SHOW!
Three landers are scheduled to visit Mars. (Bob Dalton, Arlington, Va.)
ED BRADLEY TO GET IN BED WITH JACKO FOR “SPECIAL” EVENING!
“CBS Gets Interview, Jackson Gets Special” (Jeff Brechlin; Beth Benson,
Lanham, Md.)
PENTAGON: U.S. TROOPS SHOULD BE SHOT!
“General Defends Anthrax Shots for Troops” (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
WEALTHY MAN TREATED LIKE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT!
The Orioles’ $22.5 million contract with Javy Lopez is contingent on his
passing a physical. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)
ZOMBIES FOUND IN BALTIMORE HOSPITAL!
Johns Hopkins has cut back on medical residents’ 90-hour workweeks.
(Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
CAPTIVES UNDER TORTURE BEG FOR LIFE!
“Tormented Jurors Argued, Cried and Wavered” before agreeing on a life
sentence for Malvo. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)
60 KILOTONS OVER PYONGYANG!
“U.S. Sending 60,000 Tons of Food to N. Korea” (Elden Carnahan)
EAGER TO SCORE, VA. TECH MEN DRIVE MILES TO GET SOME TROJANS!
“Hokies to Face USC in ’04 Season Opener” (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
IV BRINGS DEAD ROYAL BACK TO LIFE!
Several exciting new productions of Shakespeare’s “Henry IV” have been
staged. (Bill Spencer)
FAMILIES KILL CATS DURING XMAS FEAST!
“Holiday Treats and Trimmings Can Be Deadly to Curious Pets” (Tom
Madison, Alexandria, Va.)
And Last:
MD. MAN RUINS WIFE’S XMAS BY REVEALING ALL IN POST!
“Earlier this month, Jay Ireland of Bethesda bought his wife a digital
camera,” Dec. 21 (Jane Auerbach)
And from 1996: *Report from Week 151, in *which we asked you to play
tabloid journalist, submitting new, lurid headlines for real stories in
that Sunday’s Post.
*Fourth Runner-Up:* CLINTON LEAVES WIFE (Rodney and Joyce Small, Herndon)
Story reported president’s departure from Washington with aides for a
quick campaign appearance.
*Third Runner-Up:* Texans Watch Killing, Do Nothing (Fred Dawson,
Beltsville)
Story described an execution.
*Second Runner-Up:* Californian Shoots 201 During 3-Day Spree in Buick,
Continues to Elude Pursuers (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)
Sports story reported that golfer Lennie Clements held on to the lead
after three days at the Buick Open.
*First Runner-Up:* Baboon-Man Escapes! (John Kammer, Herndon; Bruce
Johnson, Annapolis)
Story reported that the recipient of an ape’s immune cells was feeling
so good he had resumed an active lifestyle, even going boating.
*And the Winner of the Tabloid Teasers board game:*
College Men, Coeds Streak to 7-Eleven (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
Story reported on consecutive victories by George Washington
University’s men’s (seven games) and women’s (11 games) basketball teams.
*Honorable Mentions:*
Aliens Captured Alive Near Nation’s Capital! (Russell Beland,
Springfield; Tommy Litz, Bowie)
Story reported an Immigration and Naturalization Service raid at a
Bethesda restaurant.
30,000 Wet T-Shirts! (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
Story reported flooding in the Northwest.
Populace to Submit to Sailors’ Base Desires (Jim Proctor, Bethesda; Tom
Witte, Gaithersburg)
Story reported the community’s uneasy acceptance of expanded Navy bases
in Maryland.
$400,000 Poured Into C&O Canal (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)
Story reported on the status of a donation drive to repair the canal.
Machine Crushes Man Before Mate! (Phil John, Arlington)
Story reported that Garry Kasparov conceded defeat in his first game
against a computer.
MA TAKES AX TO COMPOSER! (Fred Dawson, Beltsville, R. Gregory Capaldini,
Arlington)
Story reported that cellist Yo-Yo Ma had persuaded pianist Emanuel Ax to
accompany him in a Schubert concert.
Buchanan Strains for a Number 2 (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
Story reported on the race for the second-place finish in Iowa.
And last: Replace The Washington Post with The New York Post (Russell
Beland, Springfield).
*LAST LIKS: A Cow-rumination by Graham King*
To wryte in verse, I ape the form
That lik-bred Cow defyned as norm.
Som pieces mayd, I doe affyrm;
Yet som evayd. Insyde I squhyrm.
Itte seemeth sympel form: not so!
Som lynes fyt wel; som awrye goe.
Itt gybes insyde: am I stille sayne?
I’ve tryed and tryed. I racke myne brayne.
’Tis fun to sette one’s wyttes at play -
But vexes mynde, at end of day:
Ys ther ane more sich verse to wryte?
Am I donne yet? I thynk: notte quhyte.
And so and on I goe arownd,
Myne tonge pokd forth and myne browe frownd.
If I a verie goosecap seeme,
’Tis all Pat’s fault! I lyke this meme.